||[Feb. 16th, 2007|01:09 am]
i'm so tired.
go to sleep, right?
not that kind of tired.
tonight, i drink. i drink to the people i've cut out of my life -- i really am a surgeon, stitching up the gaping holes of childhood and prescribing elliott smith and alcohol to cope with the ensuing emptiness.
not that i regret it; i'm not capable of giving any attention to them without little voices in the back of my head pushing me, prodding me to say the awful things churning in my belly and hiding behind cool gazes.
i loved them. i hated them.
and now i cannot care about them.
life is full of chaos and upheaval, and there is too much of that for me to attend to someone who seeks to relive the past.
i'm sorry. that's all i can say, and it probably isn't good enough.
i'm missing the girl i knew in college who wrapped her skinny arms around my neck and giggled when our glasses bumped and kept me dreaming when i was dangerously close to being grounded and normal.
i'm missing the girl who wrote me letters on coffee filters and talked about riot grrrls and hot pink girl love.
i'm missing the boy who told me to read the fountainhead and laughed gently when i complained about it being too much. he didn't seem to mind that i didn't like it.
but those people are gone. i'll likely never talk with any of them again.
still, they have pieces of my heart.
i give it away too easily, and i find i'm left with nothing for myself.
explains a lot, doesn't it?